Ups and Downs....

In late 2003 i went to the doctor feeling very run down. I was tired constantly, had lost weight, no appetite, could not sleep, suffering dizzy spells. After much talking with him i was signed off work with stress and depression. I was later put on a course of anti-depressants, refered to a pyschiatrist, and given free counselling sessions from my employers.

There was so much going on in my life. My work was very stressful - high pressure to meet sales targets. I was being bullied by my boss. I was living on credit cards and running up debt. My marriage was under pressure, and i had began an affair with a girl i worked with. I then found out my wife was pregnant (unplanned) but we were both really happy about this.

The affair thing sounds bad but it wasnt planned. We started texting each other in May 2003, just flirty texts. These progressed to more sexual texts. Although we seen each other in work everyday, nothing physical happened between us until September, when we kissed. At the start of Oct 2003 we slept together. I already knew my wife was pregnant, but hadnt told Orla.

I went off work at the start of November, the combination of events above mounting into more and more pressure. I moved home to my parents, continued seeing Orla. The seperation had a devastating effect on my wife (and myself).

Looking back i dont even recognise the person i was during this phase of my life. I spent alot of time on my own, sitting in the car up in Portstewart. I dont like the person i was. I dont know who i was. Counselling helped, but not a great deal as i wasnt being 100% honest with the counsellor.

I am still depressed, though i realise now my periods of depression are more or less directly linked to my wifes moods (more of which another time...).

I am in a very dark place. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I want to crawl into a black hole, curl up into a ball and never be seen again. My life is shite. I hate myself. For who i am, for what i have done to people, to what i will no doubt want to do in the future. I am weak. Foolish. Liar. Hypocrite. Stupid. Cheat.